Who Am I Following?

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. (Romans 8:14)

In my morning devotions from Sparkling Gems from the Greek, Vol I (see reference under "Books I Am Currently Reading" on side bar), the author wrote how we must be obedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit and willingly follow him.  This means we sometimes have to crucify the desires of the flesh, and not take the path we want to take...but follow after the Holy Spirit.

I was reminded of a time in my life when I did not listen to the nudge of the Spirit.  Back in 1987 while I was doing my devotions one morning, it seems the Holy Spirit drew near and told me that I needed to give up a certain friendship that I had been enjoying.  It was not a healthy friendship for me, but I thought I was strong enough to handle it on my own.  I chose to continue to pursue that path in my life, rather than listen to the Holy Spirit.

It was not long before reality hit me that I could not handle it on my own, and I failed.  I failed God, and I failed myself.  I lost the friendship, my witness as a Christian, and my integrity.  I spent the next 18 months in clinical depression, in a world where I cut all ties with the outside world...no television, no magazines and newspapers, no shopping.  When I would go out to shop for necessities, I would have panic attacks.  I did not want to be with any of my friends, and I no longer enjoyed doing things I used to enjoy.

I spent most of my hours in bed.  Every morning I listened to Dr. Charles Stanley on the radio, as he seemed to give me something to grasp on to so I could keep from sinking.  I sought after God with my heart, soul, and mind.  I knew that He forgave me, but I could not forgive myself.  How could I do such a stupid thing?  How could I go from the mountaintop spiritually to the very pit of hell in such a short time?  I did not feel worthy to live...my family would be better off without me.  

Thank God, and I do mean God, he remained faithful to me during that period of my life.  At the foot of my bed as I poured my heart out to him, He was there loving me.  He put before me a book of my life...a book he urged me to open and learn from.  I found things in my life that I was not previously aware of.  Things I needed to change.  Sometimes I would slam the book shut, not wanting to face who I really was.  But the Holy Spirit was faithful to urge me to open the book again.  I remember telling him that I didn't want to, but if he would help me surrender the me I had been, and make me more into the image of Jesus, I would willingly walk with him through the pages of the book, the pages of my life.

Not only did I seek God through prayer, I also sought him through his Word.  Daily I would sit at my desk and pour through the Bible, trying to comprehend what he might be saying to me.  I highlighted the passages where I would feel the nudge of the Spirit, and I journaled what I believed were his instructions to me.  I spent a lot of time during those months writing in my journal...it became my closest friend.  I could be totally honest in my journal and not be concerned what anyone might think of me.  

Slowly I began to build strength by the spiritual disciplines I was practicing in my reclusive life.  I knew I needed to get out of the house to truly find healing.  I needed to reconnect with the world in healthy ways.  However, I also knew I was not strong enough to find a part time job, and I did not want to be a working Mom.  I had missed out on so much in my sons' life, that I wanted to once again be there for them as much as I could.  My husband had been doing double duty while I was fighting my battle of depression.  

I made the decision to go back to college.  I had regretted that I never sought a degree after my freshman year at Olivet Nazarene College in 1968-69.  I enrolled at the local community college and took an English class and a class on psychology, as I wanted to better understand human nature.  The English class required writing eight papers in the course of the semester.  I had been so out of touch with the world, I didn't know what to write about.  I chose to write about depression...I was well acquainted with that!  I believe that it was therapeutic for me to write out my deepest feelings.  In my psychology class I was learning things about the human psyche, but the professor was teaching from a humanist view.  My beliefs collided with some of what she was teaching.  I made the decision, therefore, that I would continue with my education at the local Christian college...Lee College (now University).  

During this time I had also gone to see a physician, who put me on an antidepressant to begin the healing in my body chemistry...to get the synapses jumping and connecting again!!  A friend also highly recommended I talk with her Christian counselor...and told me if I didn't go on my own, she would drag me there!!  I found the sessions helped me regain a self-respect that I had lost.  I began to feel I was worthy to live and had much to offer as I also continued to allow the Holy Spirit to lead me and strengthen me.

I registered to take a couple of classes at Lee in the fall.  I once again took psychology, with a Christian professor, and I took a spiritual formation class.  Both classes highly intrigued me, and I knew I wanted to continue with my education and pursue a degree in psychology.  Meanwhile, there was a special study tour of Israel being offered in the spring semester.  I wasn't paying any attention to the professor talking about it, until the Holy Spirit said, "Pay attention!  I want you to take this study tour!"  

That was thirty years ago.  I am now prompted (thank you, Holy Spirit) to share my journey that started thirty years ago.  I have saved my papers from college and seminary, and had been thinking about putting them on my blog, to get me back into blogging.  Also to refresh my mind of what I learned back then!  This blog has been my introduction to the educational series of blogs ahead.  I hope a few join me, but even if I go alone, I desire very much to retrace the steps of that part of my life's journey.  

By the way, I came out of depression, no longer needing medication, after my first semester at Lee College (University).  I had come into an oasis in my life, and I drank fully of the river of the life offered to me.  Thank you, Jesus, and thank you, Lee College!!  However, my journey forward has been and will always be totally dependent on following the Holy Spirit!  I have never had another season of depression, thanks to learning the lessons well the first time through.  Father God, I give all the glory to you!!